I am thinking of going into business running a Medical Bootcamp.
You-know, to imbue a little cellular understanding of everything we put our patients through….bootcamp style.
Here is the draft program for Day 1:
0600: Registration & Roll-call. 6 AM sharp.
Teams will assemble at Medi-boot HQ, then wait around for 3 hours without much information as to what is going to happen next.
0855: The Pain-scale wall. Each team member will have a small elastic band wrapped tightly around their little finger. Pain scores will be assessed at regular intervals throughout the day. Anyone rating their pain 10 or above must leave bootcamp.
0900: Parade. Teams will be asked to strip naked (behind a tiny set of hospital curtains) and be placed in a hospital gown. Sorry, leave the ties at the back undone.
Males will then receive a testicular examination.
Females will receive an ECG.
Any interesting anatomy, jewelry or skin markings observed during this event will be photographed, de-identified and uploaded to the Medi-bootcamp Facebook page and Twitter feed.
1000: Vent-athalon. Hard 5k uphill run wearing O2 tank and Hudson Mask at 15LPM to completely desiccate all mucous membranes of moisture.
Thirsty? Sorry, but you are nil by mouth until further notice.
Immediately on completion of run, team members will be placed on Non-Invasive Ventilator for 30 minutes.
They will then be asked to give a detailed account answering questions of the days activities up until this point whilst wearing face mask.
This must be repeated to 6 different people. All asking the exact same questions.
How is that rubber-band going? ….8/10….9/10?
Come on, its just a teeny piece of elastic.
1100: Fluid ultrasound challenge. Now you can drink. Participants will lay on hospital trolleys and have IV access obtained by exceedingly junior interns.
Over next 2 hours participants will receive 4L of IV saline.
Passing urine will not be permitted until 1300hrs at which time an ultrasound probe will be pressed heavily against the bladder. Any leakage or bladder explosions prior to this time and you must leave bootcamp.
1300: Fluid challenge redux. At 1300 teams will be told that due to a mix-up at ultrasound, they must not pass urine for another 60 minutes. During this time they must drink 1L oral contrast.
1400: Lunch. Lunch will be fully catered by the hospital cafeteria. Teams must collect food samples from the trays provided containing 4 contrasting colours.
With the tray balanced across their lap, and one hand completely wrapped in a bandage, team members must then remove the lid from their plastic bowl, open a plastic packet containing cereal, pour milk from a sealed plastic carton and add sugar from a sealed paper packet.
1500: Find that clinic. Teams will have 60 minutes to locate an obscure clinic located at the other end of the hospital. They can ask for directions from a maximum of 100 hospital staff members only. If further instructions are required they fail bootcamp. If they find themselves crossing through same corridor on more than 8 separate occasions, they fail bootcamp.
Once they reach the clinic a sign on the door will inform them that the clinic is closed today… and that they should proceed to the emergency department if they have any problems. Participants have 5 minutes to reach the emergency department.
The first team that convinces the Triage Nurse to give any of their team-members opiate analgesia for the pain from their finger bands wins.
Can you help my business venture out by suggesting your own challenging events to include in medical bootcamp?