Picture this scenario: Its 11 pm on a weeknight. Let’s say it’s a Monday. You are in the privacy of your own home, minding your own business with the person you most enjoy minding your own business with. It’s been a pretty stressful time at the office and now after a romantic dinner you are engaged in a little …um….work/life balance. And as you both become swept away in the escalating passions of the moment, a certain piece of equipment slips out of your grasp and is sucked away into a place that, how shall we say, would not be easily found in a game of eye spy.

Once the initial shock of what has happened has subsided and all frantic and contorted efforts at retrieval have been attempted without result, you are faced with the inevitable sobering realization that you will have to go to the nearest public hospital emergency department for assistance.
Imagine now, how you would feel after having to explain to the triage nurse, the acute care nurse, the medical student, the doctor, the radiographer and the wardsman (whom you thought was another doctor) exactly how you had come to have a [ insert name of foreign object here] inserted in your rectum.
In all seriousness, I could not even begin to think how embarrassing and demeaning it might be for the majority of folk.
Understandably, most people do not present to the ED until they are at their total wits end, and/or in significant discomfort. One cool customer I remember went to the movies to wait until the batteries had run down before she came in. And you thought 3-D movies were exciting.

Let me assure you, should such an accident befall you or yours, you would be in muchos muchos company. Rectal foreign bodies are by no means a particularly unusual occurrence. When you think about it, there are probably thousands of people out there experimenting with some form of proctalgic payload even as we speak. And those of us who have been working in the ED for any length of time have seen it all before, in fact here for your edification is a short list of items I have personally helped retrieve from the collective back passages of a large cross section of society:

  • A sundry of vibrators in various colours shapes and novelty themes.
  • A large frozen chicken roll.
  • A table leg wrapped in newspaper and cling-wrap.
  • A pencil.
  • A steel tube.
  • A perfume bottle.
  • And of course the all popular varieties of elongated vegetable.

The internet abounds with amazing stories of colonic comedies and rectal rescues. Yes, its all rumpy-pumpy fun and games on Google until it ends up with an eye out or a visit to the ED.
Nature abhors a vacuum, and once the objet d’art has found its resting place in the suction cup environs of the colon; it can prove quite difficult to remove. Without getting too graphic (too late you say?) removal often involves administering analgesia, passing a small tube up behind the object to break this suction seal and then manually retrieving said object. If removal in the ED is unsuccessful, a trip to the operating theatre may be required. Don’t try this at home boys and girls. A perforated bowel is not a pretty thing to behold.

Now far be it from me to judge the sexual preferences of one or two lovers, or even large groups of consenting costumed adults, after all, it’s a cold and crazy world sloshing around out there and whatever gets you through the night with a smile on the dial is just fine by me.

But a table leg wrapped in newspaper? A large frozen chicken roll? Ye gods! Let’s be careful out there!

16 Responses to “the back passage”

  1. [...] More gross stories: the back passage. puppetry of the penis. wipeout. ] Link love: These icons link to social bookmarking sites where [...]

  2. [...] before you start commenting….nah, its not a real X-ray. But I’ll wager a weeks pay that someone, somewhere, has tried.) Link love: These icons link to social bookmarking sites where readers can share and [...]

  3. OK – I just have to add – ED attempts at removal bring a whole new meaning to the term ‘ring block’
    Great site, thank you :)

  4. Break-Up Sex Revenge: Guy comes in, had just broken up with his sweetie…got drunk, had break-up conjugal relations. He wakes up from his stupor the next morning to see a note from his former loved one saying that during the midst-o-love-making, she deposited a duct-taped tennis ball in his backside…He feels an urge to defecate, can’t. Takes a multitude of laxatives, waits 3 hours then arrives at my ED-frantic. KUB-perfectly circumscribed air pocket at rectum…conscious sedation and speculum exam: Nada. Tell the surgeons, they do a Colonoscopy: Nada. Cost of Hospital stay 5 digits. Revenge factor: Priceless

  5. many years ago (34) in the first ed i ever worked in we were situated about half a mile from what whas then called the vd clinic–when someone was given the bad news they were told to present to ed and get the requisite antibiotic injection–most of the unfortunates where male and would seek out any male staff they could find–one day i was at the desk when a very well dressed gentleman in a suit presented and asked to see me on my own as it was a delicate matter–i assumed the obvious and began to reassure him–he was horrified when he realised what i was talking about and said no he didn’t need antibiotics he had something lodged up his bottom–keeping a straight face i asked what and he informed me it was a lightbulb–i told him to stand still while i went and notified the doctor–needless to say word flew round the department in record time–i returned to the patient and told him that i would help remove his clothes so the doctor could examine him–the patient looked at me in stunned surprise–he said he didn’t think he would have to get undressed–i assured him he would and his reply was that he thought we might be able to give him something that would help him to pass it–i once again told him that this was not possible and he would have to get undressed–reluctlantly he allowed me to help him get undressed only to reveal the most expensive set of womens underwear and stockings!!!!–he ended up in theatre–the things that seem like a good idea on a rainy sunday afternoon eh…

  6. Been there, done that …. No,No,No …. not as a patient…. as the nurse!!! I have zillions of funny, & not so funny, stories such as the ones I am reading on this website. Keep them “coming” (the stories!)

  7. Actually, I assisted at the surgery for a guy who had somehow managed to get an 18-inch professional screwdriver all the way in. As in, to the splenic flexure.

    Petulantly: “She said it would be fun.”

  8. [...] Now I’ve written before on the wide variety of household objects that people misplace up their bottoms. Most of the time there is a perfectly rational, reasonable, and plausible explanation for ordinary household objects passing against the flow of traffic. For instance….I was just harvesting our midnight crop of cucumbers in the nude when I slipped over, or, I was changing the light bulb in the kitchen when I fell off the ladder, ricocheted off a tub of margarine and landed smack on the very light bulb I was changing, or, I was really drunk and I thought I was putting the bottle in the dishwasher when in fact, I seem to have stuck it up my clacker. And each time I just put on my game face, and nod sympathetically. Yeah… right. [...]

  9. My personal favorite was the 6 disposable lighters that materialized on the scout abdominal xray of a trauma patient who had crashed his car at high speed running from the police. Once we realized what they were we had to ask him, “So… just how did the lighters get up your rectum?” His reply, “They must have been in the seat of the car when I wrecked it.”
    Uh huh… yeah right!

  10. Everything’s bigger in Texas, we had a guy come with a BAKING potato up his hoohoo. I wonder if he started off with those little small Irish potatoes and worked his way up?

  11. One of the first ED patients I saw as a final year nursing student was a bloke with a very large *cough* dildo stuck up there. I haven’t seen another “rectal rescue” since! Mine must be a docile ED…

  12. You’re funny! I really like the way you write. Perfect blend of innuendo and fact, not to mention, you’re funny!

  13. I remember my older sister, who was a nurse, coming home (many, many years ago) and telling us about the gentleman with a mint-sauce bottle stuck where the sun don’t shine. That one was glass and had to be removed in theatre.

  14. what a sheltered little world I live in, a Table leg! was it carved Victorian or straight IKEA?

  15. Just finished an overnight ER shift this morning, and, thankfully, there was nary a “proctalgic payload” for me to, um…you know, remove. Although, I heard one about a guy with a Coca-Cola bottle stuck up there – I never heard if it was glass or plastic.

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