Picture this scenario: Its 11 pm on a weeknight. Letâ€™s say itâ€™s a Monday. You are in the privacy of your own home, minding your own business with the person you most enjoy minding your own business with. Itâ€™s been a pretty stressful time at the office and now after a romantic dinner you are engaged in a little …um….work/life balance. And as you both become swept away in the escalating passions of the moment, a certain piece of equipment slips out of your grasp and is sucked away into a place that, how shall we say, would not be easily found in a game of eye spy.
Once the initial shock of what has happened has subsided and all frantic and contorted efforts at retrieval have been attempted without result, you are faced with the inevitable sobering realization that you will have to go to the nearest public hospital emergency department for assistance.
Imagine now, how you would feel after having to explain to the triage nurse, the acute care nurse, the medical student, the doctor, the radiographer and the wardsman (whom you thought was another doctor) exactly how you had come to have a [ insert name of foreign object here] inserted in your rectum.
In all seriousness, I could not even begin to think how embarrassing and demeaning it might be for the majority of folk.
Understandably, most people do not present to the ED until they are at their total wits end, and/or in significant discomfort. One cool customer I remember went to the movies to wait until the batteries had run down before she came in. And you thought 3-D movies were exciting.
Let me assure you, should such an accident befall you or yours, you would be in muchos muchos company. Rectal foreign bodies are by no means a particularly unusual occurrence. When you think about it, there are probably thousands of people out there experimenting with some form of proctalgic payload even as we speak. And those of us who have been working in the ED for any length of time have seen it all before, in fact here for your edification is a short list of items I have personally helped retrieve from the collective back passages of a large cross section of society:
- A sundry of vibrators in various colours shapes and novelty themes.
- A large frozen chicken roll.
- A table leg wrapped in newspaper and cling-wrap.
- A pencil.
- A steel tube.
- A perfume bottle.
- And of course the all popular varieties of elongated vegetable.
The internet abounds with amazing stories of colonic comedies and rectal rescues. Yes, its all rumpy-pumpy fun and games on Google until it ends up with an eye out or a visit to the ED.
Nature abhors a vacuum, and once the objet dâ€™art has found its resting place in the suction cup environs of the colon; it can prove quite difficult to remove. Without getting too graphic (too late you say?) removal often involves administering analgesia, passing a small tube up behind the object to break this suction seal and then manually retrieving said object. If removal in the ED is unsuccessful, a trip to the operating theatre may be required. Donâ€™t try this at home boys and girls. A perforated bowel is not a pretty thing to behold.
Now far be it from me to judge the sexual preferences of one or two lovers, or even large groups of consenting costumed adults, after all, itâ€™s a cold and crazy world sloshing around out there and whatever gets you through the night with a smile on the dial is just fine by me.
But a table leg wrapped in newspaper? A large frozen chicken roll? Ye gods! Letâ€™s be careful out there!