where the smudge don’t shine.

By impactEDnurse • Dec 21st, 2006 • Category: ectopics

What the friggin fandango?!
I reached down and pulled a 7cm piece of dead cow out of my ass.

Now I’ve written before on the wide variety of household objects that people misplace up their bottoms. Most of the time there is a perfectly rational, reasonable, and plausible explanation for ordinary household objects passing against the flow of traffic.
For instance….I was just harvesting our midnight crop of cucumbers in the nude when I slipped over, or, I was changing the light bulb in the kitchen when I fell off the ladder, ricocheted off a tub of margarine and landed smack on the very light bulb I was changing, or, I was really drunk and I thought I was putting the bottle in the dishwasher when in fact, I seem to have stuck it up my clacker.
And each time I just put on my game face, and nod sympathetically. Yeah… right.

But I never in my wildest imaginings contemplated that it might happen to me.

So. Smudge has recently developed a penchant for hiding his toys around the house. Behind one of the stereo speakers I might find one of his squeaky toys, which he has lost interest in after exorcising its squeak. Following a forensic trail of white stuffing I locate his Bunny, face down and spread eagle. Under a cushion on the couch is hidden a forlorn looking teddy bear, one eye hanging out somewhat disturbingly on the end of its optic nerve. Way back under the cabinet I can just make out a corner of my favourite purple (and now well aerated) bandanna.

In his quest for the ever perfect hidey-hole, Smudge decided to secrete one of his soggy pencil-shaped rawhide chews way down amongst the dark mysteries of my bed sheets.
Being summer down under, I like to sleep in the buff, and sometime early Monday morning I rolled over, and against all statistical probabilities the chew lodged itself up my butt like a stick in a toffee apple.
What the friggin fandango?!

Luckily for me it was only a superficial penetration. I could very well have been explaining to the triage nurse how it was my dog that was responsible for the rawhide suppository residing in my botty.
Whilst watching her nod sympathetically.

impactEDnurse is also known as Ian Miller, a nurse with over 26 years experience working in a busy emergency department in, Australia. This site in no way reflects the opinions of that hospital. All stories (although based on actual experiences) have been changed to protect patient confidentiality.
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9 Responses »

  1. Geordon on December 21st, 2006 at 2:48 pm:

    Wow! That’s got to be a rude awakening!

    Please forgive me, but I had to chuckle. I’ve found cold, soggy chews in odd places before (most notably, inside shoes. YUK!) but never had the misfortune of *that* sort of surprise!

    I’m glad to hear that you didn’t need professional assistance to dislodge the offending (!) object. But, still… Ewwwww!

    Smudge looks like the sort of cute-on-the-outside, devil-on-the-inside character that might have done that on purpose, though.

    I miss warm weather.

  2. ironic isn't it? on December 22nd, 2006 at 4:46 pm:

    yeah…right

    sure the sweet, cute, fluffy dog put a chew in your bed. and sure it just happened to end up where the sun don’t shine!!

    you expect us to believe that!

    luckily u got that sucker out…i would have pissed my pants if you came to triage with that one!!

  3. Stinklip on December 22nd, 2006 at 7:34 pm:

    “Luckily for me it was only a superficial penetration”.

    On the penetration scale (ie superficial, partial thickness and full thickness) is that a good or a bad thing.

    I suppose it depends on where your proclivities lie, doesn’t it.

  4. helva on January 8th, 2007 at 1:46 pm:

    T.M.I., Ian, T.M.I.
    :-)

  5. Change of Shift - Volume One, Number Fifteen // Emergiblog on January 11th, 2007 at 12:36 pm:

    [...] I can’t possibly add anything to this post with an introduction. It truly stands alone. Get the tissues because you will laugh until you cry. Ian at impactED presents Where the Smudge Don’t Shine. And just when you thought it couldn’t happen to you! [...]

  6. Too Fat 4 Ponies on January 11th, 2007 at 1:46 pm:

    Yowsa!

    That might have only been “superficial penetration” but the mere threat is definite 5+ on the pucker scale!

    I’m guessing Smudge isn’t allowed in the bedroom anymore. And small chewables are OUT!

    Too Fat, SN

  7. oncRN on January 12th, 2007 at 1:42 am:

    dude, thanks for sharing. i will be on the look-out for cylindrical debris in my bed. you just can’t be too careful.

  8. motherjones_rn on January 12th, 2007 at 2:06 pm:

    Ouch! Too funny!

    MJ

  9. red rabbit on January 17th, 2007 at 5:23 am:

    Surely you have a “disaster plan” to cover the truly outrageous stuff? Here’s mine:
    1. Paper bag (to go over head)
    2. Pay cash (fake an accent, say my papers haven’t come through yet, no insurance card, sorry, whatever)
    3. Go to a French hospital***
    ***for Montrealers in the English system

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